American Dad
by Alenei
Summary: AU - A series of one-shots about Arthur Kirkland and his doting and eccentric all-American dad, Alfred F. Jones.


When Arthur walked through the front door that day he had expected his father to pounce on him as usual and ask him too loudly how his day went. Not stare at him in shock as if his impressive eyebrows had suddenly merged together to form one massive caterpillar, and let his burger drop from his mouth and fall to the floor.

"Oh… hello father," he greeted his wide-eyed parent. Arthur scowled at the mess of oil-drenched meat and ketchup that had landed on the carpet, sure it would stain. Undoubtedly, he'd have to clean it up, seeing as Alfred's right-of-mind seemed to have fallen with the burger onto the floor (and he wasn't sure what was beef and what was brain). "Is something wrong?"

Alfred just continued to stare blankly at his son before he lifted a trembling hand and pointed at Arthur's face, his own cringing in horror. "Artie, w-wha… what are—are those?"

_Oh shit._

He had forgotten to take them off.

Sweat raced down Arthur's temple. "Haha… what do you mean, pa? My eyebrows?"

"Those!" Alfred shrieked, gesticulating wildly around Arthur's head. "Those _things!_"

"What things?" he scoffed, waving his hand dismissively. "Whatever do you mean?"

"_THOSE_ THIIIINGS!"

"What things!"

"These!" Alfred ceased his floundering to grab at Arthur's ears and the plethora of metal there. "What is the meaning of this?"

"Gah!" Arthur yelled, vainly trying to remove the hands latched onto his earlobes. "That bloody hurts! Let go!"

Alfred did no such thing and only tightened his grip. "Not until you tell me how you got these!"

"Uh, I bought them?"

"No no no no no, I mean, _who_ let you get these?" He practically lifted his son into the air by his collar. "I'll kill 'em!"

"The lady at the register at Hot Topic!" the Brit shrieked in panic, struggling in his father's grip.

"No, no." Alfred dropped his son to smack his own face in frustration. "Okay son, let me be a bit more specific. Who drove you there?"

"Uncle Matt." He answered simply, straightening his collar. Arthur felt a sharp pain sting across his cheek. Did his father just pimp slap him?

"Mattie?" the American screeched, "Are you insane?"

"No, you are!" Arthur retorted, cradling his wounded cheek. "And what's wrong with Uncle Matt?"

"He smokes _marijuana, _Artie!" he cried, "With that Cuban! That's clearly not awesome at all!"

His son rolled his eyes, crossing his arms. "That is completely irrelevant."

Alfred gasped melodramatically, shoving a hand into Arthur's face to stop a reply that had never really been coming. "—Don't tell me."

Muffled beneath his father's palm, he mumbled, "Dun teh 'ou wha?"

The hand covering his mouth was quickly thrown into the air in an unnecessary display of despair and unnaturally waving limbs. "He let you smoke his weed and got your ears pierced?"

"What!" the Brit was slightly offended by this. "Bloody hell, you wanker! Why would I do that?"

"You were smoking weed!" the elder wailed.

"Dad—"

"Oh God, my son's a crack addict!" he began to claw at his own face in terror, looking to the heavens for a sign of forgiveness.

"Pa, please—"

"Why Artie?" he collapsed to the ground, groveling to his son. "What did I do to deserve this!"

Arthur had seen this act many times, but he had to say, the hamburger-printed handkerchief was new (and quite the nice touch, if Alfred did say so himself).

"_Dad!"_

"If you went to the salon, why didn't you just get your eyebrows waxed?" he howled, the napkin nowhere to be seen. What the hell?

"DAD!"

His father abruptly halted his antics to stare at him with his puppy dog eyes. Arthur let out an agitated huff, lifting a hand up to remove the clip-on studs and earrings and holding them out to his wailing dad.

"See, they're _fake_, dad."

Alfred merely stared at his son's outstretched hand then back at his son, then back at his hand. Oh.

"Oooh…"

"Dad?"

There was a brief moment of silence.

Then arms shot skyward, flailing hysterically; Arthur felt a headache coming on as a thrashing hand nearly knocked him out.

"Why didn't you just fix your eyebrows?"

* * *

A/N:

Haha, I probably shouldn't be working on a new series (especially to a fandom I'm still pretty new to) but my sister's crazy ideas just kept gnawing at me. This is practically a collab, but she'd prefer to stay anonymous. She thought we should shake things up a bit with the roles they play XD Obviously, this means a bunch of chaos and familial fluff. The chapters will vary all throughout Arthur's childhood and adolescent life, most likely to set to a specific theme. Things may sound confusing now but everything will be explained later, I promise! :)

And while I am an avid USUKUS fangirl, there will be **no incest **in this fic. The views of the characters do not necessarily reflect my own. I have nothing against Cubans! D:

Hope you liked it! And remember, reviews are love~


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